Having always been a goal driven person, I notice that I am having a problem with setting any move forward goals or for being passionate about anything.
In fact, I am not in the mood to make any type of decision, even about small things like where I want to eat, what I want to watch or what I want to do. I am frustrated by the idea of making even the smallest decision or addressing a question about “what I want”.
I am not sure if this is a good thing or not. Maybe I have just learned to “be” – no expectation of my life moving forward, no need to prove anything, no desire to justify or counterbalance my past.
This may just be “normal” behavior, no biggie – or it may be a sign of something else – lack of motivation, numbness – not sure.
I know that part of the problem is that the goals I have set in the past, most of which I have accomplished, haven’t ended up the way that I expected. Now that I understand myself better, those goals were probably established for reasons other than just accomplishing the goal.
Take for example my goal of “I will start my own company”
Done. But not for the reasons that you might think. I care very little that I have employed others, that we have made lists of fastest growing company or have been seen as a success, or that we are still surviving one of the most uncertain economies since the depression. These accomplishments are not what I really cared for or wanted.
What I should have set as a goal is I want to be in charge – I want autonomy, control, to be in charge of my own environment and space – not confined by the rules or whims of others. But now that I am in charge, it means I am responsible, and I take responsibility very seriously. Every decision is important, every call potentially leaves another in peril. And few appreciate the suffering for this responsibility. A repeated pattern of my childhood, that my happiness should be forsaken for the whims and desires of others – that their needs are more important than mine.
I also “want to be affirmed”, especially seeking the affirmation of my parents, not because I was successful – they certainly have no problem with showing that – but with the attempt. My parents didn’t tell anyone that I had started a company until they could point to the fact that it was successful – in fact they ridiculed me through the company beginnings – the time when support and encouragement are most needed, appreciated.
So why would I set a new goal? Can I trust myself to create a goal that is truly for me? One that if I accomplished I would be satisfied – know that it was something that I did for myself, not for someone else or to prove something.
I have many goals that now that I look back on them with my new knowledge about myself I understand the underlying reason for the goal was something more than just what it appeared on the surface.
But that begs the question – are anyone’s goals truly pure?
And do you need to have a burning fire to push you towards accomplishing a new goal? Is that what my past has been? And now that it’s understood, is that fire gone? Or just in remission?
I could be in a state of establishing a new equilibrium, where the pendulum has swung too far in one direction and will eventually bring itself back into balance.
I have learned to be patient, so I am awaiting the event, the word, the book, the revelation that moves me to a state of want and action.